...and 99 revisions later, mastertape is donezo. Definitely both a lot easier and harder than I thought. I feel weird, mainly because I completed an MA, and my project is very much what I work with: relationships. I did manage to refine "how" I work with relationships, for the most part, and maybe the biggest thing, why I choose relationships. I'm socially awkward. A lot of times, I feel the funny guy/high-energetic personality is just a front to prevent people from asking questions I'm uncomfortable answering. I always say that I am only "serious" when writing, although this is not entirely true.
When I'm alone, I just think, and this thinking usually goes down the line of relationships--the ones I currently have, the ones I did have, and sometimes, the ones I wish I could have. My neuroses, I guess, is that I regret nothing and everything simultaneously. I am always thinking about random "what-if" scenarios, mostly outside the realm of possibility, but always within the sphere of Earth. My mind always thinks of things that could happen, and in a sense, maybe this is a fault. Maybe being too grounded in reality and having somewhat "lofty" ideas doesn't work--some ideas cannot exist in gravity.
Where was I? Oh yeah, relationships.
Something brought up in class, both in terms of Arielle's "Kafka" experience and Ames(sp?) distillation of a statement that (if I can read my notes correctly) goes something like "lineage resulting in self-hating." You grow up so..."buried" in something that you begin to hate it. I have adverse reactions to caramel corn now because of Morley's Candy and a week-long binge when I was about 10. In the same way, I'm weird about relationships (especially "Black" relationships) because most images in today's media are dominated by stereotypes, especially as a result of "eccentric" professional athletes and entertainers. I still get odd looks if I say I'm from Detroit, which is usually followed-up by some question of which suburb I'm from as I don't "talk black." hmph. I haven't addressed this relationship (how being black positions me in society/ies) much (and maybe I should/need to), but I have in terms of more traditional couples/boyfriend girlfriends from across the spectrum, whether they are more "broken" love poems or just raw, visceral, "baby-making" poems. I think this is just a way for me to work through/filter myself when dealing with "real" people, as I feel less "crazy" will be likely to come out, although it still does. Going back a bit, maybe writing more "black" poems will help me assuage feelings that every person who sees me has already filled his/her schema with a mold that cannot be broken.
I also finished my ten rules, but that shall be a separate post. Tada.
-Glenn
I so appreciate the candor and depth here. I also think that the stuff about "Black" relationships--and how the image of what being a black man in a relationship impacts you--is really rich stuff and maybe could be part of your master tape, too? (Sorry: revision number 100?)
ReplyDeleteGreat entries.
I always toy with that--I have a few poems about "blackness," but I always get super weird/self-conscious when writing it.
ReplyDeleteI try to avoid having work being (overly) didactic, and it feels that any approach I take is trying to "teach" the reader something. I think addressing race in poetry is already a delicate balancing act, and at times, I don't feel "qualified" to talk about blackness even though I'm pretty obviously black (I think this has partially to do with how I was raised/early encounters about not being "black enough" and the perceptions I mentioned in one of my entries where sometimes people's only exposure to the "other" is by exaggerated stereotypes through media [e.g., rap]).
I just want to avoid any poem coming off as either a) pity party/interpretable as some cry for reparations/being "held down by the man" or b) coming off as super aggressive/black nationalists. I know there are smoother ways to discuss race, but most of the identity poems I've seen/heard about race have been through the venue of slam which has a different feel/set of "rules" than poetry that's non-slam.
This may also be why I also shy away from strict marriage poems/poems that are more "real" to me, as I get weird when there's an obviously signature of me, like I'm somehow not qualified to speak on myself.
Am I making too much out of nothing? How have you wrestled with getting comfortable in writing/addressing poems that have a specific center of race without having it be preachy?